It's been a long time since my last post. I don't want to know how many years ago. Lately I've been going through some hard times, I only have myself to blamed, but it hit me really hard. Like, my confidence was completely destroyed. 

I have supports from friends. I made new friend.

During this period of time, I threw myself on the ground and be a doormat, as long as someone gives me the attention, i don't mind. However, during the process, I just hate myself a little more every single time. So i decided to go looking for help - counselling. We found out the root of the problems. Not that there's anything I can do about it, but Margaret and the counsellor asked me if I would let the past to concur what I have today or I'll let it go and live my life in the present. I know the right answer, but what started years ago just won't disappear because I decided that it's wrong.

Kingman told me that I should look back my facebook and see what kind of person I was. I looked, but facebook didn't tell me much about me. So I came back to xanga. It's a place where I used to write about all sorts of crap. I was strong once. I was strong and independent when I was single. I just lost sight of it after I started a relationship. I only know how to please the other person I just forgot about the other person that's also in this relationship, and that's me. It's hard, because with all the experiences in the past, I believed pleasing someone and making them need you are the crucial things to keep them around. It's not right, i know, but at least it worked for me. But i guess it's time to change ME. 

 I don't think it's gonna be easy since the problem was so deeply-rooted. But with all the supports and the book the counsellor recommended, maybe I'll be able to change the fact that I have low self esteem. I don't know. It's gonna be a long road. But here I am,  reading back all the entries and I found the courage to move forward. 

still not enough blood!

what is the real sort of relationships? many people said it is love with pain. u can almost include pain in every relationships. the sadness within makes people realise the sweetness more when necessary. but in what proportions? fifty fifty? twenty % pain and eighty % happiness or vice versa? I don't know. for one thing, as an outsider I m sure, I will not allow myself to be too sad over a guy. after what I've been through. it's not like I know a lot, but I leaner how to protect my own self.
Margaret once said no matter it's relationship
or friendship, it's always a two-way-road. u cannot expect one to give all
and the other do nothing in return. we all
know we should not expect anything from the other person. but don't u hv the right to expect something in a relationship?
If we ever have a relationship, we should all
have a healthy one. when it's not healthy, think of losing it. I know years-long relationship doesn't let u make any choice easy. try to be a bit selfish in that relationship. take care of urself instead of ur partner for once.
start by having a relationship with yourself first. Love yourself so people know
how to love you!!